7 — Dad’s friend from a few houses down
touched me and told me to touch him
when my dad went inside his house
to get another beer.
He still stares at me when I see him
and it makes my insides
a storm out at sea
8 — There was a boy named Dean at school who was in 6th grade
and he chased me around the playground
even though there were tears running down my face like it was
a funny thing to make a little girl cry
but when I finally stopped and let him catch me
he squeezed my left breast
and he said “you’re it.”
I didn’t chase him.
I didn’t chase anybody after that.
13 — I got my first boyfriend this year.
I kissed him once and it made my head spin but that same
afternoon, we were sitting in a forest and he asked if he
could finger me. I told him no, he couldn’t
but he still walked his fingers up my thighs and tried to force
his way inside of me like I was playing hard to get
when I got up and left instead of opening my legs
like a good girl
he called me frigid.
He broke up with me the next day.
I cried for many hours.
15 — I was raped this year. Friend of a friend.
He was 20 and smelled of beer and cigarettes
his fingertips were dry and stale
and he followed me like a lost puppy dog
that I didn’t notice until that puppy dog
pushed me up against a building
and forced its tongue into my mouth and his hands
into my skirt simultaneously.
He came inside of me. Twice.
There were gravel marks on my cheeks and my elbows.
I didn’t find out I was pregnant until 16 weeks.
I couldn’t afford an abortion.
Fate had other plans.
16 — I slept with my rapist.
I felt so alone after the miscarriage
that I let him force feed me alcohol and drugs
I spent my 16th birthday money on his cigarettes
I let him fuck me while I was senseless.
He’d do it in the dark and I am glad now
that I didn’t have to witness the way his face contorts
when he finishes because I saw it once
the night he got me pregnant
and they say sometimes you can just see evil inside of people
and there was evil in every part of him.
16 — my father hit me. He ripped off my sweater.
It wasn’t of a sexual nature
but I felt more violated than I’d ever felt before.
The way he looked at me while I hurried to dress myself again
makes me want to scream.
17 — I was drunk and on the phone to the man that I loved
the boys from across the road
were outside my house with my sister
we’d let them over because we were bored
but when I was in my bedroom, laughing at some silly joke
the man I loved had made
one of them came in
even though I tried to push him out
and he touched me and touched me until finally
I hung up the phone and let this young boy
simply so he’d get up and leave.
I vomited when he left.
Two nights after that, I was still vomiting.
My father made jokes about it.
I didn’t laugh.
See this… this is how it’s done.
No “you don’t look chunky, you look beautiful.”
No “you don’t look chunky” at all.
Just complete acceptance. Yeah, you look how you do, and how you look is beautiful. Mama gets it.
I love you, Mama.